You’re doing empathy wrong

Has your significant other ever complained? I’ll wait. You may have to really think about that. Is it so infrequent that you forgot the last time they did or you didn’t even notice?

Enough sarcasm, it happens all the time, right?

How does it usually go? After you two talked and discussed, did it feel like everything was worse off, and they were now upset with you?

You were only trying to help.

Come to think of it, you were showing empathy. You listened, you put yourself in their shoes, and you tried to suggest ways to work it out.

Here in lies the ultimate problem with empathy and how people view it and apply it - putting yourself in other people’s shoes doesn’t work and usually makes things worse.

You’ve heard this description of empathy all the time everywhere, so that’s how you apply it. What’s wrong with that? Well, what’s wrong is:

•  People don’t actually take the time to understand the situation, they jump right in, making a ton of assumptions
•  People immediately begin to problem solve without good data
•  They ultimately are speaking from their shoes not the other person’s; you know, the exact opposite of the cliche

It’s absolutely, 100% impossible to put yourself in another person’s shoes.

Every single individual is completely different with different backgrounds, knowledge, experiences, points of view, etc…

The ‘shoes’ cliche is what experts call affective empathy - internally feeling the same emotions as someone else - and it has two major flaws.

The first flaw, as mentioned, is that not one person can actually understand another. Each individual lives their own life. They see the world differently from everyone else, they rationalize differently, they understand differently - everything is different. Can a man really understand what a woman is going through? Can a woman a man? Do parents know what their teenagers are going through? Twins don’t even experience the same things, so how do you except strangers to put on each other’s shoes?

The second flaw is what some call emotional contagion - catching and spreading of emotions. So if you want to be empathetic to an angry friend, you have to be angry. Your co-worker is frustrated, you are frustrated. Your significant other is disappointed, you are now disappointed. Should everyone be upset just because one person is? Granted, emotions can be positive, but that has consequences too.

There’s an alternate definition of empathy.

Cognitive empathy is recognizing the emotions of others without necessarily feeling the emotions themselves.

The definition speaks for itself, but I want you to really focus on the separation of recognizing the emotions while staying calm and collected. If you need help with the recognition of emotions, practice and watch videos for tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. At the same time, practice staying still and present within yourself during emotional events and situations.

People, smarter than me, like to equate cognitive empathy with compassion - having compassion for what the other person is going through. I like to say this version is the act of patience - having patience to allow the other person to get through it, vent, or take some time for themselves.

So, what does all this have to do with your significant other, who isn’t taking to you right now?

When your significant other was complaining, they were looking for empathy, but you gave them the wrong kind.

You tried to put yourself in their shoes, and when you did, you brought a lot of yourself with you. In particular, the part of yourself that loves to solve problems. So, you weren’t actually empathetic, you were trying to solve a problem.

If you were to use cognitive empathy, you would have noticed they were emotional, acted with patience, and showed them compassion for what they were going through.

Ultimately, this is what they are looking for.

Strong leaders know empathy is a crucial skill to add to their toolbox. Make sure you’re using the correct version. You want to stay calm and collected to work through issues. A leader should be the steadying anchor to the team. Whether it’s a significant other, co-worker, or teammate, everyone is looking for someone who will hear them out, have their back, and give them confidence.

Show compassion and act with patience, and witness all your relationships improve and grow.